Happier Days

I Hate the Way You’re Not Around

Dear you,

It’s easy to keep occupied during the day and keep the worst of the Wednesday morning flashbacks from getting to me.  It’s hard to cook dinner for one person and not have it make enough for a week.  The nights are the hardest.  During the nights, the house is quiet and I need to do anything I can to stop thinking about you.  There’s no more “no tech” rule after dinner, and I can’t just sit because if I don’t do anything I feel like I’ll go mad.  I can’t sleep in the middle of the bed, the bed is cold without you, and I miss our bedtime snuggles, curling up around each other and you telling me that it’s the best part of your day.  Every morning brings a pang of heartache when I remember why I only fill the coffee pot halfway.

Honestly, I feel lost most of the time I’m in the house with you not here.  There’s so many reminders of you, and most of them aren’t bad memories.  Unfortunately, most of those memories are just sad to think about right now.  Netflix binges, dinner experiments, Hagrid the Christmas owl, all those things we’ll never share again.  We had some good times, or at least I thought they were good, and I hope some were good for you, too.  

Happier Days
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

It would be better, easier, if I hated you.  If I hated you, maybe I wouldn’t still reach for my wedding ring every morning, because putting it away makes things more real.  Maybe I wouldn’t still want to text you to let you know I’m taking my lunch break and can chat, maybe I could change my phone’s wallpaper to something other than picture of us looking happy and in love. I might be able to change my last name on social media profiles, or my relationship status.  But I can’t do that yet. 

Relationship Emotional Mental Life Status:  It’s complicated.

Hatred would make it easier to say that this is the best thing for both of us, an opportunity for me to learn to be an adult and not so reliant on you to make me feel some shred of self-worth, and you can learn to be honest – with both others and yourself – and that always taking the easiest, least confrontational road through life can sometimes cause the most problems. 

But I can’t, and I don’t hate you.  And that’s what I hate the most.

— me